Dilemna, Or, Why I'm not sleeping at night

No matter how many Ativan I take before bedtime, I cannot sleep.

Here's the deal:

About a year ago (a little more than a year, actually) I found out my husband was having an affair. Told this woman he loved her and everything. Up until that point, I NEVER would have thought he would do something like that. We've been married for several years. I was completely devastated. I can't describe how hard that hurt. And what hurt more is the fact that it took him MONTHS to stop the relationship. Why did I stay? Well, we have so much debt in common that it just seemed to hard to split, I was waiting on a surgery during all of this and wanted to get that behind me before I made any crazy life changes, and plus we have a little girl (who is 8 now).

So I pretty much just quashed the pain. Going through the motions. My feelings for my husband are not even close to what they were prior to that BS. I'm more or less, "meh" about my whole marriage. Oh, did I mention that in addition to working full time I'm a full time college student? My point is I'm busy--with a lot going on---and up until this point divorce sounds like more trouble than its worth.


I have never felt any kind of passion for the DH. Ever. I made the choice to marry him at a very vulnerable time in my life. I don't regret it but boy would i like out. It's been a relatively productive marriage, in that we have both increased ourselves in positive ways through the years. But I'm unhappy, I want out, and I just don't know how to get out. I need money. I need someone to rescue me, really. I just want to cry but so much time of holding my tears back, I don't know if I can even cry anymore.

The stress of having to still share a home with DH while my mind is constantly on another is just killing me. I can't eat. I've lost 20 pounds in the past two months without really even trying. I'm working out all the time to, I don't know, distract myself.