One more day

Tomorrow's my big day. Where I get all my answers. I can't tell you how hard it is to be at home these days. I am conveniently busy all the time. Golf game after work today? You freaking bet. No? OK, I'll go work out. Or go to some kind of civic group meeting. I'm going out of town next week and I'm so glad. I just want to be left alone.

I'm nervous and scared. I'm scared about what is going to happen when he finds out I'm leaving. What if something happens and he won't let it happen? Can he do that? Do I have to stay? Do I have a choice? Right now it just doesn't seem possible. I can only hope for the best.

Last night he did something disgusting that he does (I can't remember what it was now) and I made that face I make when he totally grosses me out, and he said something along the lines of that I was stuck with him, I had to deal with it. Why am I stuck with him? Who says so? Don't I have any say in the matter? I don't want to be stuck with him anymore.

Oops, just remembered, I have to make an appointment with a counselor. I'll write more later.

Two more days

Well, I have two more days to wait until I see an attorney. I'm so excited, and scared. I feel like I'm a bad person for wanting out of my marriage, but I at the same time feel like I've lived too much of my life trying to be happy by making other people happy.

Oh, and guess what

Since I've made that decision, I can sleep. Who knew?

Divorce, or Epiphany

I've come to the conclusion that I do have choices in life. This is new for me. I have felt for years that I am trapped without any choices.

Guess what? I do have choices. I just don't know what they are yet. I have an appointment with an attorney on Friday to find out.

Last Friday I came to the conclusion that I need to change my life. I deserve to be happy. Hell, so does my husband, and there's no way he's happy right now. Unless he's completely oblivious to the fact that I can't stand to be around him anymore. (this is not outside the realm of possibilities--I think he's oblivious to most facts)

I'm not going to be unfaithful in my marriage. I'm just not. I don't want to have to answer that question. It's better to end it cleanly, and be the better person.

Dilemna, Or, Why I'm not sleeping at night

No matter how many Ativan I take before bedtime, I cannot sleep.

Here's the deal:

About a year ago (a little more than a year, actually) I found out my husband was having an affair. Told this woman he loved her and everything. Up until that point, I NEVER would have thought he would do something like that. We've been married for several years. I was completely devastated. I can't describe how hard that hurt. And what hurt more is the fact that it took him MONTHS to stop the relationship. Why did I stay? Well, we have so much debt in common that it just seemed to hard to split, I was waiting on a surgery during all of this and wanted to get that behind me before I made any crazy life changes, and plus we have a little girl (who is 8 now).

So I pretty much just quashed the pain. Going through the motions. My feelings for my husband are not even close to what they were prior to that BS. I'm more or less, "meh" about my whole marriage. Oh, did I mention that in addition to working full time I'm a full time college student? My point is I'm busy--with a lot going on---and up until this point divorce sounds like more trouble than its worth.


I have never felt any kind of passion for the DH. Ever. I made the choice to marry him at a very vulnerable time in my life. I don't regret it but boy would i like out. It's been a relatively productive marriage, in that we have both increased ourselves in positive ways through the years. But I'm unhappy, I want out, and I just don't know how to get out. I need money. I need someone to rescue me, really. I just want to cry but so much time of holding my tears back, I don't know if I can even cry anymore.

The stress of having to still share a home with DH while my mind is constantly on another is just killing me. I can't eat. I've lost 20 pounds in the past two months without really even trying. I'm working out all the time to, I don't know, distract myself.